You've all heard the statistic - 80% of drivers consider themselves "above average" drivers. I have taken it upon myself to prove these people right, by overdoing my lowly 20%. It is my duty to convince you that there is far more pleasure to be gained from being a bad driver and that you too can join my quest.
I've been driving for about a year and a half now, and my driving started badly and is slowly deteriorating. And it's getting more and more fun. Not that I've had any accidents of course. Well, er, there was that one on the motorway, but apart from, er, and that one where someone prodded me from behind, but apart from, er, and I "touched" mirrors with that parked car, and OK OK OK LEAVE IT. However, you see my point - I've had hardly any accidents, but I've seen hundreds.
Once you've given a lift to your mates once, they go out of there way to offer to drive (especially if you throw a free accident in). This is perfect for pub visits and it also saves you petrol money.
Other drivers give you lots more room. In my case they sometimes deliberately turn off the road to avoid me. I can't imagine why.
Imagine the satisfaction of the upper 80% of the population who believe quite rightly that they are better drivers than my good self. I go out of my way (sometimes even on to the other side of the road) to make sure that they know they're better drivers than me. Consider the satisfaction that they get from saying, "At least I don't violently swerve into oncoming traffic during rush-hour". You have made them happy in the knowledge that there are less competent drivers out there than themselves. Surely such an altruistic and intelligent adoption of the "Zen Of Bad Driving" will improve the lives of many motorers.
Many things that are unavoidable when you are a good driver suddenly become avoidable when you are a bad driver. Such things, for example, as wantonly placed traffic lights, empty speed camera boxes, etc.
Remember - it is a poor mind that can only think of one side of the road to drive on.
I own a Renault Clio which makes Citroen 2CVs and Robin Reliants look sporty. Hey, it's not that bad. It'll do ninety, with a following wind, down a hill, er, after 10 minutes with foot on the floor. Oh, and er, it'll turn into a bone-shaker when it gets there. It's had one careful owner - don't mention the other one. Not that I need to drive it much - for some reason people are always offering me lifts.
I suggest the following as optional extras in a car:
Wing Mirrors are vital for seeing who has just crashed behind you
Windscreen wipers with an intermittent option.
Crash helmet
Roll Cage
Essentials:
Airbag
A map to confirm that you haven't the faintest clue where you are.
Now I know what you're thinking - The author is actually quite a good driver, but is just being humble. You can just "go elsewhere" now if you think that, bunch of Doubting Thomas' that you are. Still here? - well here is my proof that I am a bad driver:
Despite leaving enormous amounts of room (say 3 big truck lengths) between myself and the next car on the motorway, when the car in front braked really hard, I still crashed into the back of them. That was an 8 car pile-up with my good self at the end. Guess which car was most damaged. I managed to run into a sporty Mercedes (bruhahahahahaha). Sadly, my Clio has all the toughness of a wet paper bag and the Mercedes was just a tad stronger. I think their tyre got deflated. I broke the front wheel.
Just days after getting my courtesy Ka someone runs into the back of me. Luckily it was very gently, so I got away with it.
There's this nobble on the drive which if you run over it, you get a flat tyre. Why is it only ever me that does this - there's three other drivers in the house, and no-one except me ever runs over it. I'm practically on first name terms with the guy at Plume Tyre Services now...
Three days ago, banged mirrors with a parked car.
Yesterday, after bitterly moaning about the learner driver in front of me who had just stalled twice at traffic lights, I pulled up alongside him at the next set of traffic lights. You can guess what happened next.
More exploits will be added as I make them
UPDATE! 24th October 2001. I am now registered to drive in Barbados for a year now. My bad-driving terrorism has spread beyond the confines of the UK and into the depths of the caribbean. Bruhahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
So, you wish to emulate me? Here are some guidelines
Why have any hands on the wheel? It goes straightish doesn't it?
When sitting in stationary traffic, do things to irritate and scare other drivers, such as rev the engine, swerve from left to right, use the hand-brake. I actually do this because I get bored sitting in stationary traffic.
Feel free to ignore all traffic lights and signs of any kind.
Drive in the centre of dual carriageways
Always put the clutch down when breaking
Indicators are for other people
Admit you're a bad driver. You'll feel better for it. Very soon, you can start enjoying the advantages
Never have a decent car. Something along the lines of a Renault Clio, Robin Reliant, Citroen 2CV. Rich Bad Drivers may own Ford Capri's. Workmen Bad Drivers may own Ford Transit Vans. Never ever a Mercedes Benz or a BMW (despite the fact that most BMW drivers are terrible, they don't admit it, like me).
At the service, if the mechanics don't say something like
"You've been over-using your brakes a bit - they're 90% worn down" then you're obviously not trying hard enough
Apparently, there's a right lane and a wrong lane to be in. Don't let this worry you.
Steer clear of "boring" gear changes. Try 1st-4th for a change.
Never take a map. Never remember routes. Always try to take "short-cuts"
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